Dangling Fury

Feeling in the dark, looking for a switch that can never be found. This darkness which imprisons me is by my own doing. I thought like so many others that I had all the controls. The reality is that there was never control because life won’t be controlled. So many fell due to the thought life was about choice. Life isn’t about choices though it’s about things that have already been chosen. The attachment we feel to things doesn’t come because a pretty girl or boy smiled at us. It’s because we decided to talk to that person. We chose to let that talk become something else and now the situation isn’t because of a choice it’s about all the choices we made before. Just like we can’t answer a question we don’t understand we can’t escape the feelings in our heart. But that’s only if we allow ourselves to get sticky with the feelings. Can you roll around and cover yourself in an active love you let yourself feel or do you say you love but in reality you are keeping them around because they are safe. Do you feel the warmth wrapped around your chest from laughter so hard you snorted or shot water from your mouth, or do you pretend to laugh scared to admit  someone can make you happy.
I said at the start that the prison encapsulating us is by our own making and it’s oh to true. The cages we find ourselves in had nothing to do with anyone but ourselves. Fear is a factor known to many for sins of the past. Things still haunting us even though we never intended them to last. Can you break through this is what many fear can never been done but the truth is that you’ll never know until you’ve begun. The first steps are both the easiest and so, so hard. Reality is that once we have made that determination to start a path we are the only ones capable of blocking it. We lie to ourselves though and say it’s where our fingers point lays the blame. So much easier to blame than live with the responsibilities of being disappointed you didn’t have it in you to succeed. That’s another type os fear though one so much more pervasive. The reasons why is because this type of fear leaves us in our 30’s wonderfully blind to the fact that there is nothing real in our life because we have walled off anything real. This is when the anger starts as little seeds from a hundred arguments that seemed important at the time but they were really just a place holder for the emptiness we feel inside because we had something that could have loved us so deeply but that was thrown away. Now our disappointment in ourselves is here to stay everyday.
This can be fixed so don’t despair, you’re going to have to get dirty in the feelings you were always to afraid to allow entry.

The Choice

The illusions so real about the things we feel
Sacred our thought to ourselves is so true
When to others so fake, happy or blue,
Optimal thoughts keep us happy and in line
Reality has taught us sadness is around, we cannot be blind
Can you feel your thoughts
Reaching out from your mind
Silently starting the long journey so far behind
We fall so many times, some struggle to get up
A hand reaching down, can change our bad luck
Can positive thought change all the things that are bad
Probably not all but what other option do we have
Staying in a low, dark negative place
Is such a waste
Yes a waste of you, all of you and your flaws
They are ok cause we all have them some are just better at hiding them in drawers
Love is such a needed thing but to all this one piece of advice
Love yourself first, to yourself you must be nice
Not being able to find that happiness inside
Means no one can ever make you satisfied
Find that place in you that is so only you
Tell that place their awesome it’s the best any of us can do

110 miles to empty chapter 2

Chapter 2
“Hey Kid, what are you doing later” asks Brad from across the table. I motion him closer as I am reminded how loud things get on open mic night. I love coming to open mic night although it reminds me how much more I need to practice my bass. Never surprised as the volume notch seems to climb ever higher. My little bar in Shelton with the stylings of local musicians some should reconsider yet some are so good. “What did you say, Brad” I ask as he steps closer extending his hand. “What are you doing later? I was thinking about having some friends over the house” “I think it sounds like another 7am run to the house to feed the dogs, Brad” I say, the half smile crossing my face and the mischief clearly in my eyes let’s him know I am down for another night of fun. “Cool, ya bringing Tammy with ya?” Brad inquired. “Naw, I can’t deal with her crap tonight. I am thinking it may be time for an upgrade, ya know” I state while scanning the room for who’s next on stage. “Ya Kid, I think you need someone that jives a little better with you.” “You tell me where I can find that and you know I am there man.” Out of the corner of my eye I see Abby and Glenda coming over to the table, with Matt in tow. Matt hassles around the pair, sneaking up on Brad and fondling his ass. Brad springs like a cat, turning and seeing his best friend Matt. The pair give each other a chest bump as Abby reaches her arm around Brad giving him a kiss on the cheek. Glenda leans behind me and sets in the chair giving me her fake smile while secretly cursing Abby with her eyes. For her betrayal with Brad, Abby gets that oh so familiar look we have each learned from Glenda. I am the proud owner of most of these looks. I found out from Abby a couple weeks back that she gets annoyed when I try out cheesy pick up lines on her. Over course I have only tried out a couple hundred on her since bringing that half smile back to my face.
Our table full once again for our Wednesday night fun. My friend Ron walks in I reach across the aisle and grab a chair to pull up to our table as the din of loud conversations and out of tune singing starts a dull hum in my head. Giving Ron a fist bump I start our conversation by asking “haven’t heard from you all week, you ok?” “Ahhh, you know what it’s like RJ. All these kids and George at the other store is making me nuts. I talked to Don about opening the other store in Clinton today.” “Oh really? I question him, “how did that go?” “He showed me the demographic breakdown, and you know how he is. With that bragging tone when he knows he was right”. “Ron and I have had this ongoing debate for the last 2 years about whether or not money is the key to happiness. Both of us knowing the only reason we are having this debate is because neither of us have real money. Honestly I have been a bit surprised he hasn’t asked me yet. “Ya know a store would work there, college, and more apartments than homes. You know what you are doing, why don’t you just open a place on your own. You know if you want something..” Ron chimes in stating “ no Robism’s tonight”. I just don’t see the point of making someone else more money when you can do this on your own, you know you have enough friends that would chip in and help you out.” “I just don’t want to work that hard right now.” Ron says resignedly. “Well quit working and get your band back together, no denying you would love that.” Ron smiles as he replies “ya, I would RJ, you need another” he states as he stands to head to the bar. “For tonight man, I could use quite a few more”. As Ron heads to the bar, I turn to Glenda and ask her if she is carrying a mirror in her pocket. She plays along with an annoyed look on her face, “no, why?” She asks. “Because I can definitely see myself in your pants” I say with a half cocked smile turning away so I can miss the look of disgust she gives me. Matt comes over as Ron walks away “party again at Brad’s you in?” “You know me Matt, where there’s beers & women you can find me. But honestly man if you get naked in the pool again I am out you got me?” “Oh come on RJ” Matt replies with a pleading in his voice. “You do something once and it sticks forever”. I smile broadly and state “really kinda depends on what ya do! Besides you were grab assin’ Everyone that night and frankly that’s not a picture I want to see man”. “Can’t a guy get a break, couple too many and I can’t live one bad night down,” Matt states. “Me? Me, give you a break?” I ask in a near laugh. “Never man, never”.

110 miles to empty Chapter 1

This is my first novel. I wrote this years ago. It’s time it saw daylight.

Foreword:
To all those in the breakdown lane trying to figure out how to get their lives started again.

Thank you Adam for all our adventures

To her

Borderline Personality Disorder is no joking matter. Many have destroyed their lives having run into a Borderline. This is a story of  lost love.

Prologue:
I don’t know if she will ever realize how much I love and miss her. He thought to himself that it was loving with his heart and soul everyday. He wakes up each morning aching for something he had never known and goes to bed feeling the same way. Some things in life are not fair they just are. He never came for her, he feels he should have.

Chapter 1
Talking along the streets, bustling to and from coffees in hand. Everyone always looks so busy and determined in this city. Always a brisk morning breeze coming off the Atlantic and this morning is no exception. Autumn always starts out so beautiful in this harried town of burgeoning politicians and anxiety riddled baseball fans. You have to love the fans in this town as every season they show up and follow the eternal ups and downs that come with being a Sox fan. You can walk into any bar in Boston and see folks gulping down beers, munching on pretzels and talking about Nomah, Pedro or Manny. This cool August morning promised a night no different as our team is chasing the division lead. After 9 hours of paperwork and brain drain I walked into Sazeracs, saying hi to a couple of friends and nodding to Jim (the bartender) looking for his favorite 2 shots of Kailua, 1 of Baileys on the rocks. The baseball talk was a little different today as the discussions focused on the firing of Jimmy Williams. His replacement Joe Kerrigan started a lackluster 3 wins and 2 losses. Having moved around so much, it’s always amazing how loyal these fans are. With the exception of NYC there isn’t a baseball town anywhere like Boston. I remember hearing a fan yelling at Nomah in the on deck circle “.398 buddy, come on you can do better than that”. Anyone (including Nomar) knows this fan was dead serious. I think this intensity is what keeps me coming back to this town. No matter how many places I go, I always feel drawn back to Boston. On any given day the intensity here is palpable. I nod to Jim for another while staring intently at the screen cheering or awwing at every pitch with the rest of the patrons. I had almost tuned out the karaoke machine until a particularly tone deaf blonde was killing a Gloria Estefan song. I turned back to the game, and thought to myself why am I here? I gaze at the pictures, signs and neon all the same even when it was Sydeny’s. I slide my wallet out and pull a 20 and throw it on the bar, down the rest of my drink. As I walk out of the bar, I wonder to myself, why in a city full of so much do I do so little.

It started off ok

And then the dogs came

It’s finished then

I can see the signs, the flags are waving 

It’s over, and it’s time to move on

The best thing to happen is not to spend one more thought 💭 in that place 

All that time was a gigantic waste

Sometimes I question what it was I was thinking 

And then it occurred to me I can forget it by drinking 

It wasn’t worth really remembering, all truth be told

It’s more fun to come down with a cold

Happiness can’t fill your soul when it’s stuffed full of crap

Need to get out the garbage bags, clean it out, get it out or it will claim you like a trap

Happiness, like the morning sun starts out as a mere glimmer 

By supper time that glimmer has become a bright burning fire 🔥 

In order to keep it burning have to forget about you being such a liar 

That’s going backwards though and that’s the past that’s being left behind 

I am focusing on tomorrow and that warm sunshine 🌞 

To keep me from the cold dark ruin of you

Hidden in plain sight

Sometimes things aren’t what they seem famous words from conspiracy theories or drama queens

Looking and searching for whatI know is there

Reaction always as if there’s no care

There is a huge difference between knowing what’s right in front of your face

And making up your version of the truth to take it’s place

The real danger is when you believe your own version of what never was

Holding people accountable to that version of events, yes the one that never was

If you want to know what’s truly scary in the scenario of  lies

Behind the anger you cause the other, you know you’re the one that cries 

The things we tell ourselves to get through the day

Do you think they are all real, come on don’t hold back we all know what you’re going to say

Truth is in the eyes of the beholder, scared of my truth when I believe the lies

What is truly frightening is what I see in your eyes

You don’t know. It’s there, plain as the nose on your face

That goodness inside the you, housed in all that bad, what a waste

From the Latin know thyself, what can be left here? Lots still unsaid 

There was a time I cared, but that time is long past dead.