Dangling Fury

Feeling in the dark, looking for a switch that can never be found. This darkness which imprisons me is by my own doing. I thought like so many others that I had all the controls. The reality is that there was never control because life won’t be controlled. So many fell due to the thought life was about choice. Life isn’t about choices though it’s about things that have already been chosen. The attachment we feel to things doesn’t come because a pretty girl or boy smiled at us. It’s because we decided to talk to that person. We chose to let that talk become something else and now the situation isn’t because of a choice it’s about all the choices we made before. Just like we can’t answer a question we don’t understand we can’t escape the feelings in our heart. But that’s only if we allow ourselves to get sticky with the feelings. Can you roll around and cover yourself in an active love you let yourself feel or do you say you love but in reality you are keeping them around because they are safe. Do you feel the warmth wrapped around your chest from laughter so hard you snorted or shot water from your mouth, or do you pretend to laugh scared to admit  someone can make you happy.
I said at the start that the prison encapsulating us is by our own making and it’s oh to true. The cages we find ourselves in had nothing to do with anyone but ourselves. Fear is a factor known to many for sins of the past. Things still haunting us even though we never intended them to last. Can you break through this is what many fear can never been done but the truth is that you’ll never know until you’ve begun. The first steps are both the easiest and so, so hard. Reality is that once we have made that determination to start a path we are the only ones capable of blocking it. We lie to ourselves though and say it’s where our fingers point lays the blame. So much easier to blame than live with the responsibilities of being disappointed you didn’t have it in you to succeed. That’s another type os fear though one so much more pervasive. The reasons why is because this type of fear leaves us in our 30’s wonderfully blind to the fact that there is nothing real in our life because we have walled off anything real. This is when the anger starts as little seeds from a hundred arguments that seemed important at the time but they were really just a place holder for the emptiness we feel inside because we had something that could have loved us so deeply but that was thrown away. Now our disappointment in ourselves is here to stay everyday.
This can be fixed so don’t despair, you’re going to have to get dirty in the feelings you were always to afraid to allow entry.