Resignation

Truth is such an interesting thing when we stop to think about it
Because ultimately truth is about our perception of what we are willing to believe. So what do we believe about ourselves? Are we good inside being honest to ourselves? What is honesty anymore? We aren’t allowed to be honest because we will offend someone and making sure everyone is comfortable is what we are all about right?
What if we are kind of good? Trying to be truthful but only taking my side of the story. That’s kind of good. It’s all supposed to be about number 1 right. Why be honest with myself when I can put blinders on and live in my safety zone. Why tell someone their ass does look big in those jeans because you are 20 lbs overweight, when you can be safe and kind and just say oh yes, they make your ass look gorgeous. That’s how we live in delusion, never taking the time to get in the dirt because it takes honesty to break through and sayI was wrong. Nope, don’t have to when we can get a quick divorce,never have to face the real truth that it’s ok to be angry but when the communication stops is when things truly break down. It takes integrity, bravery and trust to know someone is angry with you and still be honest about how you feel. Something many of us never experience.
Then there are the bad people with good intentions, and we know what the road to hell was paved with. Don’t tell me what I want to hear because it is safe for you. Of course the same goes for the rotten apple. Telling me whatI want to hear because you are a coward afraid to face the truth in yourself so always keeping people exactly where you want them.
Truth gets murky in all of these because no one is all good or all bad. We are all multi faceted people with our own agendas. It’s about number 1 is right. We are no good to anyone broken apart in pieces through so much giving so we do need to keep a part of ourselves focusing on tomorrow and growing our mental health and stability. So we can give to others but we have to be cautious because there are so many takers out there. Taking pieces of our sanity and because a taker is only interested In themselves they will literally see the light fading from your eyes and keep taking till it goes out because you are just a thing to them: Disposable. The only true way to handle the takers is to recognize them and shut them down. They take from you because they lack the self confidence to know they can provide for themselves because they are afraid of owning who they are and see in you something awesome. That precious jewel inside you just like liberty needs to be defended. You are precious. Don’t ever be afraid to give but recognize when there is no reciprocal experience and end it asap. Protect your soul from those that would extinguish it. You are loved and valued.

Desolation A love story

Reaching up from under the stillness of the foggy water
Trying so hard to get to the light though I dwell so low in the darkness
Happiness is knowing you are there, mine
Sadness is knowing the that no matter what you have no time
I can see the light from the foggy expanse
Trapped under the water, I give nothing but a silent glance
Trying, reaching
Crying, beseeching
Desolation the water drums into my ears
Nothing but the drumming of my heartbeat, the silence of empty years
So much to offer have I
Trying, reaching lifting myself towards the sky
I want nothing but the breath of the wind against my face
Silky, smooth, washing across me like fine lace
Trapped beneath the blackness, so much left unsaid
Hearing the silence, tasting defeat being left for dead
All in a week
Ever feel alone in a room full of friends
Can’t wait to escape, till that party ends
Alone in my mind, heart and soul
Cradled in your arms, feeling that love is my goal

Birthday

a quick tale

It was my birthday this week. I guess as we age we all get different meaning from celebrating (or not) the day we were born. This year I looked around at my life and took stock. I have a beautiful daughter that survived a major surgery, 2 sons that I am so proud of and another volleyball champ daughter. I have my house, my house, the culmination of scrimping, saving and the luck of my Irish wife. 18 years we have been together and we have had the usual struggles most marriages do but they are far overshadowed by the amazing times we have spent together. I feel older, a little less round than last year but definitely a step slower yet I feel alive. I feel a joy I could not have imagined in my younger days because of the fullness my life has with my beautiful/ handsome and oh so smart kids, my house, the dogs and the love I pray and try to make myself worthy of everyday. Life is so short and so precious. I hit the jackpot and although I may be looking a little more Elmer Fuddish than Thor, I wake up each day happy with the choices I have made both good and bad because it landed me here. Happy, in love, lucky and another year wiser.

Love is

Love is magic, love is fun
Love is holding your special someone
Laying on a blanket under the glorious Autumn leaves
Never wanting that moment to end,
making it last forever in our mind
Love is having your someone want to hold your hand too
Love means sometimes just looking over and realizing how lucky are you
Love aids in healing, sometimes from an argument or fight
Love doesn’t equal hurt or pain every day or every night
Love is patient, love so kind,
Loving is active
Never trying to catch up or being blind
Honesty and love are a perfect team
Love means you, my perfect dream

Ireland countryside

Driving through the windy roads in an autumn oh so bright
I am reminded of the Irish countryside, oh what a site
A million shades of green those fields do show
Like a million colors of autumn that we know
Such delicate moments and memories we create in this sweet times
Finding the beauty in things, in such busy times we need to hold the line
So easy to get lost in all the hassle and bustle of our day to day
Have to make time for things that are important. What else can I say?
It’s our choices that lead us to happiness or despair
Our ability to be happy at least for those of us that care
The greens showed along the drive Limerick to Dublin such beauty abounds
Remember to occasionally roll down your windows when your driving and enjoy the sounds
Grounded in beauty, artistry and. Myriad of green
Things are what we make them, we forget this a lot it seems...

Drive you part 3. The conclusion

Brianna makes her way to the hospital, hoping against hope that her dad will be awake when she gets there.

John looks at his little girl. I am sorry Brie but I can’t leave at, we are here. Where or maybe what is here? I don’t know where we are, all I know is you want to speak with me. John looks puzzled, how do you know that? Simply because I am here, this is what you want so here I am?

John is really struggling. After a few minutes of circling in the glade, John looks at Brianna, alight with an amazing glow and says to her. Since you are here I will start with a small apology. I am assuming that something bad happened in this “accident” which is why my head is in a fog and you look like an angel with a big scar on your face. I don’t remember the accident, what I do remember is that every chance I had where I could have focused on you, mom our family I chose to focus on improving myself. I am not sorry about that because it has led us to this bigger house and better life. What I am sorry for is that life is so short. I remember you fitting in the crook of my elbow to my hand. To me it feels like yesterday yet to you in feels like forever. I forgot I need to cherish this journey. I forgot you weren’t going to be this little delicate baby forever. That as you grow you will have your own dreams and I am teaching you that those are more important than you. Tears are streaming down his cheeks as he feels an acrid burning in his throat like fire.
The Uber drops Brianna outside the main entrance to the hospital and she takes the too familiar journey to the third floor west wing. Both excited and afraid she prays quietly to herself that her dad will be awake. Brianna dear, Mary-Ann smile at her. Mary-Ann has seen this young lady so many times over the years although usually on 1st shift as Mary-Ann recently has had to change due to issues with her own family. Brianna dear it’s very late, or very early for a visit she chuckles. I know and it’s good to see you as Mary-Ann’s arms wrap around her for a hug. Is it ok if I sit with him? Beeping starts to be heard on a console behind The Nurses station. As Mary-Ann starts to turn and respond to the beeping she says you know where he is but sit quietly my dear as I am not really supposed to allow you to be here. Brianna starts to head to the room her dad has been stationed in for the last 6 years a too familiar journey of sadness the young woman has had to endure.
Mary-Ann resolves to call Brianna’s mom after allowing Brie at least a little time to see and sit with ...It takes a moment to register but it’s her dads alarms going off apparently he is crashing. She quickly orders the code through her radio starting the process of gathering the right series of people and actions that will transpire. Brianna hun, Mary-Ann speaks loudly as Brianna is turning the corner to the room and the young lady screams...
Brie, I want you to know how important you are to me, John states as he starts to feel discouraged by the pain in his arms, legs and body. You, your sister and mom are why I have spent so little time with you so I can earn degrees, John coughs the pain in his throat a steady fire as if a volcano has erupted in his stomach. I have missed so much time, so hard to get to all the responsibilities with equal attention, the singular cough has now started to increase almost a torrent coming. I know I have made lots of promises, he pauses briefly as the smile on her face is gleaming at him and he feels a wreck, and I have come through on most of them and suddenly John falls. Enveloped by the lush green moss he feels the soft earth pulling him in, his body suffers overwhelming pains and he thinks he must be dying.
A flourish of activity seems to be happening around her but all Brianna can focus on is the flat lines on the machines that monitor her dads vital signs. She cries, no sobs loudly as she stares curled up half under the sink trying to stay clear of all the people and equipment in the small space. John looks up and sees the radiance coming from his daughter as he struggles to free his head from the moss just long enough to tell his beautiful first born daughter that he loves her as suddenly his chest feels a fire like nothing he has ever known before tearing into him. Back in the hospital room a doctor yells charge planning to administer another shock to wake heart from its sleeping state. Brianna hears clear and blips on the machine start to appear, Johns rusty eyes start to open nurses and the doctor start removing tubes from Johns throat as he is apparently breathing on his own. Poked, prodded and generally annoyed John falls back asleep praying to continue his talk with Brianna, starting to become nervous of what has transpired and the reality he is waking to when he feels something cool take his hand. Focus still rusty from nearly 7 years of not being used there is a bright din around a pretty face that seems vaguely familiar but he just can’t place. He stares at the girl trying to steel his rusty voice as he gurgles out who are you? Although a hint of sadness he detected in the brief glint of her smile she starts to rise tears of joy and unabashed happiness as she throws her arms out and states, I love you dad! This is my daughter John thinks to himself? So different from the vision he had what feels like moments before, Dad your awake and alive Brianna cries into his shoulder, still a little confused John smiles while thinking he will need to catch up on things as he wraps his arms around her in a hug, half asking, half stating Brianna?

Authors note: there is a lot of ways this could have gone, I hope you like the direction and conclusion of this story. Thank you for reading!

Thanks for reading the 3 posts. Hope you like it as it’s a bit of a departure from my usual short stories. Subscribe to the blog, leave a note if you have comments. I love feedback and have thick skin  so honest feedback is always welcome.

Drive you part 2

He falls to the ground with a thud, passing right through his little girl. Dad, I am here but not here. I would love to hug you but not today I am afraid. What happened, to you, to me...is this even real? Real not real, I wish I knew she chimed. What happened to me? You don’t remember the accident she seems puzzled as she drifts slowly, oh so slowly moving about the emerald glade. Accident, John mutters to himself, his brow furrows and the creases of years of hard work show in the lines scrunched together and then the light dawns. Oh, then the light really dawns, oh my God, Brianna. You, are you? Am I...dead? Let’s leave that for a simple we are here with each other talking & enjoying the moment.

John stares incredulous, he’d ask if she was being coy were it not for her limited 9 years. Enjoying the moment, he asks so puzzled. Where are we then Brie? Obviously we aren’t in the woods of my childhood, so much fog? Is this a gateway to heaven? It must be if you are here. She starts to shush as the words slur his questions coming so fast. He reaches for her hand, while he can’t touch his heart still warms at the thought of his little girls memories in his heart. 

Do you remember the time we climbed Mount Monadnock, dad? Yes, how could I forget. Your mother was so angry. How was I supposed to know that half way up I would have a heart attack? Do you remember coming home from the hospital that night? Do you remember me waiting there? Trembling, crying and so excited. I know Grammie said you were fine but that wasn’t real until I saw you walking in the door. Yes, Brie. This is what you want to discuss? Yes dad. You see, I am still waiting. What do you mean sweetie? That was almost 7 years ago. 

Lying in bed, warm and snuggly with her favorite stuffie Brianna dreams of her dad. Dreaming of my dad? She absentmindedly thought. I haven’t dreamed of dad in so long. She feels him hug her and then see him falling. It looks like dad is speaking to someone. Oh my God is dad crying she thinks as she sees tears slowly leaving his eyes. Who is he talking to? She tries to get a look at the pretty girl but can’t seem to focus. She wakes suddenly, startled awake and leaps from her bed. Mom she screamed, mom. Angrily yelling back her mothers boyfriend tells her to stop screaming. Mom she screams again even louder, prompted, no challenged by this lazy man. Mom she says again as she shakes her mother’s shoulders, mom. Brie, what’s the matter? Her mom starts to shift in her bed looking over towards the clock, Brie it’s 2:30 in the morning while the red lights of the clock flash 2:33 AM. I need you to take me to the hospital now Brianna yells nearly hysterical. Why hun, what’s the matter? Are you hurt? No mom, it’s dad! Dads going to wake up or maybe already is awake? 

Puzzled her mother adopts that look when Brie knows she has already made up her mind. Charlie chimes in and says we aren’t going to the hospital for that right now. Shut up Brie yells, you don’t get a say. Charlie starts to retort but a wave of his girlfriends hand tells him to keep it to himself. Why do you think that? Did the hospital call? No, I saw him mom. I know how crazy that sounds but I did. Where did you see him, Brie? I, well I had a dream and. A dream mom blurts? Clearly annoyed at having been woken for this. I know you miss your dad. I miss him also honey but he is probably never going to wake up. So enjoy the dreams. I am happy you are thinking of him but it’s time to get back to sleep. Brie knows the look she is receiving and decides to leave the room. Love you mom she says as she goes, and as her mom says she loves her Brie decides she is going to go and quietly goes back to her room and gets changed, ordering an Uber with her other hand on her phone. 7 minutes out , black Toyota. 

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Don’t let the things that drive you become your enemy

Playing a soundtrack and singing along with his two beautiful girls driving home from one of their volleyball games he can’t help thinking about work. As his thoughts drift through the mundane tasks required of him he knows it’s for a greater purpose as he is in school getting his masters in plastics engineering. Bobbing his head to the music, his mind a million miles away he never even saw the deer coming as it leapt from the side of the road right in his path.

The fog won’t lift he thinks to himself. I really feel awful he thinks to himself as he wanders through the trees. He doesn’t notice, either due to the concussion or the sheer volume of drugs in his system, that he wanders only in his mind. Thoughts seem to drift and he realizes for a moment he doesn’t know where he is. That temporary anxiety leaps into his chest until he starts to recognize the path that he and Mr. Tolland used to walk when he was a kid. Mr. Tolland used his dog walks as a way to smoke his pipe away from the Mrs’ while I thought they were great fun getting to run around in the woods frolicking with Shalimar the very stocky St. Bernard. 

The walks he remembers must have been a long time ago although in some ways it feels like they just happened yesterday. He realizes as he stumbles over a root sticking just above the dirt that he is alone here in the woods. Then the realization hits that these woods don’t exist anymore. Torn down to make way for more houses on the direct path to Boston. Where am I really he thinks momentarily as a light glistens to his left. Surprised and a little scared (although a man would never admit to such things) he considers whether to look into this or turn and head the other way. He turns his head and that’s when he realizes he is no longer on the path and frankly is lost out here in the woods of his childhood. I couldn’t be lost in these woods I have built treehouses, forts, examined all manner of insect and nearly died here. I know my way around, why don’t I know that. Rationalizing he determines the fog is why and again is drawn to the light. 

As the light grows in increasing brilliance fear creeps into his chest. Suddenly in this emerald clearing an angel appears. Shielding his eyes due to the change he chokes out in barely a whisper, “why...why are you here?” To speak with you John of course, maybe I should call you dad as I can feel your fear and anxiety. How do you know my, he starts to blurt what do you mean dad as his eyes adjust to the light emanating from her. He sees the beautiful eyes and smile, his eyes suddenly leap to the scar. What happened to you princess he tears up as he leaps forward to hold her. 

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Happy to be

Look at me while I cluck around

Nothing but a happy chickadee 

Can’t you tell by my sounds

I strut here and there

Cause ya I do own the place

Nothing but time here for me

Time I chose not to waste 

Cause life is short and I know I should savor

Going to the ice cream place choosing all of the flavors

I am happy both on the surface and way down in the deep

Happy to experience life for at least one more week

Sated because, ... things are grand

Come on you know I rock, now give me a hand

Silly, yeah maybe but a smile you seek

I struggle sometimes trying not to show my inner 🤓 geek

Limitless End

Silently and oh so slow
The blood from my heart does flow
Torn asunder by wicked means
Never as dark as in the end it seems
I see the flickering of bright lights in my eyes
Feeling the warmth drain from the liquid slowly closing in oh the lies,
One of deceit, so fair yet so ugly inside I now know
Wish I knew earlier, so intact I could go
The sweetest smelling rose has the deepest thorn
My faith & trust in you finally worn
Deep inside you must suffer like no one can imagine
That is how you can hurt me I couldn’t even fathom
Your hatred of yourself has I new rival in me
I will hate you forever, or a long time we shall see
Warning signs a plenty, my miserable ex
Leave me alone, time to go make someone else a wreck.

In time

Alas the band has played and it’s time to go home
Alone, alone and all alone
Meaning relationships seems so far and wide
Hiding from the world to protect my inside
If no one gets to know who I am way down deep
No one will ever get close enough to make me weep
Yet I feel so singled out, just me, I’m the only one
Waiting for love to come my way, waiting for the return of the prodigal son
So alone I am, and alone I will be
Till I decide to change who I want to see
When I look into the mirror to gaze upon my soul
Two eyes so lonely they are, faintly lingering of hope
That change is in there, yup, I can see it now
The one remaining question is how