Dangling Fury

Feeling in the dark, looking for a switch that can never be found. This darkness which imprisons me is by my own doing. I thought like so many others that I had all the controls. The reality is that there was never control because life won’t be controlled. So many fell due to the thought life was about choice. Life isn’t about choices though it’s about things that have already been chosen. The attachment we feel to things doesn’t come because a pretty girl or boy smiled at us. It’s because we decided to talk to that person. We chose to let that talk become something else and now the situation isn’t because of a choice it’s about all the choices we made before. Just like we can’t answer a question we don’t understand we can’t escape the feelings in our heart. But that’s only if we allow ourselves to get sticky with the feelings. Can you roll around and cover yourself in an active love you let yourself feel or do you say you love but in reality you are keeping them around because they are safe. Do you feel the warmth wrapped around your chest from laughter so hard you snorted or shot water from your mouth, or do you pretend to laugh scared to admit  someone can make you happy.
I said at the start that the prison encapsulating us is by our own making and it’s oh to true. The cages we find ourselves in had nothing to do with anyone but ourselves. Fear is a factor known to many for sins of the past. Things still haunting us even though we never intended them to last. Can you break through this is what many fear can never been done but the truth is that you’ll never know until you’ve begun. The first steps are both the easiest and so, so hard. Reality is that once we have made that determination to start a path we are the only ones capable of blocking it. We lie to ourselves though and say it’s where our fingers point lays the blame. So much easier to blame than live with the responsibilities of being disappointed you didn’t have it in you to succeed. That’s another type os fear though one so much more pervasive. The reasons why is because this type of fear leaves us in our 30’s wonderfully blind to the fact that there is nothing real in our life because we have walled off anything real. This is when the anger starts as little seeds from a hundred arguments that seemed important at the time but they were really just a place holder for the emptiness we feel inside because we had something that could have loved us so deeply but that was thrown away. Now our disappointment in ourselves is here to stay everyday.
This can be fixed so don’t despair, you’re going to have to get dirty in the feelings you were always to afraid to allow entry.

The Choice

The illusions so real about the things we feel
Sacred our thought to ourselves is so true
When to others so fake, happy or blue,
Optimal thoughts keep us happy and in line
Reality has taught us sadness is around, we cannot be blind
Can you feel your thoughts
Reaching out from your mind
Silently starting the long journey so far behind
We fall so many times, some struggle to get up
A hand reaching down, can change our bad luck
Can positive thought change all the things that are bad
Probably not all but what other option do we have
Staying in a low, dark negative place
Is such a waste
Yes a waste of you, all of you and your flaws
They are ok cause we all have them some are just better at hiding them in drawers
Love is such a needed thing but to all this one piece of advice
Love yourself first, to yourself you must be nice
Not being able to find that happiness inside
Means no one can ever make you satisfied
Find that place in you that is so only you
Tell that place their awesome it’s the best any of us can do

110 miles to empty chapter 2

Chapter 2
“Hey Kid, what are you doing later” asks Brad from across the table. I motion him closer as I am reminded how loud things get on open mic night. I love coming to open mic night although it reminds me how much more I need to practice my bass. Never surprised as the volume notch seems to climb ever higher. My little bar in Shelton with the stylings of local musicians some should reconsider yet some are so good. “What did you say, Brad” I ask as he steps closer extending his hand. “What are you doing later? I was thinking about having some friends over the house” “I think it sounds like another 7am run to the house to feed the dogs, Brad” I say, the half smile crossing my face and the mischief clearly in my eyes let’s him know I am down for another night of fun. “Cool, ya bringing Tammy with ya?” Brad inquired. “Naw, I can’t deal with her crap tonight. I am thinking it may be time for an upgrade, ya know” I state while scanning the room for who’s next on stage. “Ya Kid, I think you need someone that jives a little better with you.” “You tell me where I can find that and you know I am there man.” Out of the corner of my eye I see Abby and Glenda coming over to the table, with Matt in tow. Matt hassles around the pair, sneaking up on Brad and fondling his ass. Brad springs like a cat, turning and seeing his best friend Matt. The pair give each other a chest bump as Abby reaches her arm around Brad giving him a kiss on the cheek. Glenda leans behind me and sets in the chair giving me her fake smile while secretly cursing Abby with her eyes. For her betrayal with Brad, Abby gets that oh so familiar look we have each learned from Glenda. I am the proud owner of most of these looks. I found out from Abby a couple weeks back that she gets annoyed when I try out cheesy pick up lines on her. Over course I have only tried out a couple hundred on her since bringing that half smile back to my face.
Our table full once again for our Wednesday night fun. My friend Ron walks in I reach across the aisle and grab a chair to pull up to our table as the din of loud conversations and out of tune singing starts a dull hum in my head. Giving Ron a fist bump I start our conversation by asking “haven’t heard from you all week, you ok?” “Ahhh, you know what it’s like RJ. All these kids and George at the other store is making me nuts. I talked to Don about opening the other store in Clinton today.” “Oh really? I question him, “how did that go?” “He showed me the demographic breakdown, and you know how he is. With that bragging tone when he knows he was right”. “Ron and I have had this ongoing debate for the last 2 years about whether or not money is the key to happiness. Both of us knowing the only reason we are having this debate is because neither of us have real money. Honestly I have been a bit surprised he hasn’t asked me yet. “Ya know a store would work there, college, and more apartments than homes. You know what you are doing, why don’t you just open a place on your own. You know if you want something..” Ron chimes in stating “ no Robism’s tonight”. I just don’t see the point of making someone else more money when you can do this on your own, you know you have enough friends that would chip in and help you out.” “I just don’t want to work that hard right now.” Ron says resignedly. “Well quit working and get your band back together, no denying you would love that.” Ron smiles as he replies “ya, I would RJ, you need another” he states as he stands to head to the bar. “For tonight man, I could use quite a few more”. As Ron heads to the bar, I turn to Glenda and ask her if she is carrying a mirror in her pocket. She plays along with an annoyed look on her face, “no, why?” She asks. “Because I can definitely see myself in your pants” I say with a half cocked smile turning away so I can miss the look of disgust she gives me. Matt comes over as Ron walks away “party again at Brad’s you in?” “You know me Matt, where there’s beers & women you can find me. But honestly man if you get naked in the pool again I am out you got me?” “Oh come on RJ” Matt replies with a pleading in his voice. “You do something once and it sticks forever”. I smile broadly and state “really kinda depends on what ya do! Besides you were grab assin’ Everyone that night and frankly that’s not a picture I want to see man”. “Can’t a guy get a break, couple too many and I can’t live one bad night down,” Matt states. “Me? Me, give you a break?” I ask in a near laugh. “Never man, never”.

110 miles to empty Chapter 1

This is my first novel. I wrote this years ago. It’s time it saw daylight.

Foreword:
To all those in the breakdown lane trying to figure out how to get their lives started again.

Thank you Adam for all our adventures

To her

Borderline Personality Disorder is no joking matter. Many have destroyed their lives having run into a Borderline. This is a story of  lost love.

Prologue:
I don’t know if she will ever realize how much I love and miss her. He thought to himself that it was loving with his heart and soul everyday. He wakes up each morning aching for something he had never known and goes to bed feeling the same way. Some things in life are not fair they just are. He never came for her, he feels he should have.

Chapter 1
Talking along the streets, bustling to and from coffees in hand. Everyone always looks so busy and determined in this city. Always a brisk morning breeze coming off the Atlantic and this morning is no exception. Autumn always starts out so beautiful in this harried town of burgeoning politicians and anxiety riddled baseball fans. You have to love the fans in this town as every season they show up and follow the eternal ups and downs that come with being a Sox fan. You can walk into any bar in Boston and see folks gulping down beers, munching on pretzels and talking about Nomah, Pedro or Manny. This cool August morning promised a night no different as our team is chasing the division lead. After 9 hours of paperwork and brain drain I walked into Sazeracs, saying hi to a couple of friends and nodding to Jim (the bartender) looking for his favorite 2 shots of Kailua, 1 of Baileys on the rocks. The baseball talk was a little different today as the discussions focused on the firing of Jimmy Williams. His replacement Joe Kerrigan started a lackluster 3 wins and 2 losses. Having moved around so much, it’s always amazing how loyal these fans are. With the exception of NYC there isn’t a baseball town anywhere like Boston. I remember hearing a fan yelling at Nomah in the on deck circle “.398 buddy, come on you can do better than that”. Anyone (including Nomar) knows this fan was dead serious. I think this intensity is what keeps me coming back to this town. No matter how many places I go, I always feel drawn back to Boston. On any given day the intensity here is palpable. I nod to Jim for another while staring intently at the screen cheering or awwing at every pitch with the rest of the patrons. I had almost tuned out the karaoke machine until a particularly tone deaf blonde was killing a Gloria Estefan song. I turned back to the game, and thought to myself why am I here? I gaze at the pictures, signs and neon all the same even when it was Sydeny’s. I slide my wallet out and pull a 20 and throw it on the bar, down the rest of my drink. As I walk out of the bar, I wonder to myself, why in a city full of so much do I do so little.

It started off ok

And then the dogs came

It’s finished then

I can see the signs, the flags are waving 

It’s over, and it’s time to move on

The best thing to happen is not to spend one more thought 💭 in that place 

All that time was a gigantic waste

Sometimes I question what it was I was thinking 

And then it occurred to me I can forget it by drinking 

It wasn’t worth really remembering, all truth be told

It’s more fun to come down with a cold

Happiness can’t fill your soul when it’s stuffed full of crap

Need to get out the garbage bags, clean it out, get it out or it will claim you like a trap

Happiness, like the morning sun starts out as a mere glimmer 

By supper time that glimmer has become a bright burning fire 🔥 

In order to keep it burning have to forget about you being such a liar 

That’s going backwards though and that’s the past that’s being left behind 

I am focusing on tomorrow and that warm sunshine 🌞 

To keep me from the cold dark ruin of you

Hidden in plain sight

Sometimes things aren’t what they seem famous words from conspiracy theories or drama queens

Looking and searching for whatI know is there

Reaction always as if there’s no care

There is a huge difference between knowing what’s right in front of your face

And making up your version of the truth to take it’s place

The real danger is when you believe your own version of what never was

Holding people accountable to that version of events, yes the one that never was

If you want to know what’s truly scary in the scenario of  lies

Behind the anger you cause the other, you know you’re the one that cries 

The things we tell ourselves to get through the day

Do you think they are all real, come on don’t hold back we all know what you’re going to say

Truth is in the eyes of the beholder, scared of my truth when I believe the lies

What is truly frightening is what I see in your eyes

You don’t know. It’s there, plain as the nose on your face

That goodness inside the you, housed in all that bad, what a waste

From the Latin know thyself, what can be left here? Lots still unsaid 

There was a time I cared, but that time is long past dead.

Resignation

Truth is such an interesting thing when we stop to think about it
Because ultimately truth is about our perception of what we are willing to believe. So what do we believe about ourselves? Are we good inside being honest to ourselves? What is honesty anymore? We aren’t allowed to be honest because we will offend someone and making sure everyone is comfortable is what we are all about right?
What if we are kind of good? Trying to be truthful but only taking my side of the story. That’s kind of good. It’s all supposed to be about number 1 right. Why be honest with myself when I can put blinders on and live in my safety zone. Why tell someone their ass does look big in those jeans because you are 20 lbs overweight, when you can be safe and kind and just say oh yes, they make your ass look gorgeous. That’s how we live in delusion, never taking the time to get in the dirt because it takes honesty to break through and sayI was wrong. Nope, don’t have to when we can get a quick divorce,never have to face the real truth that it’s ok to be angry but when the communication stops is when things truly break down. It takes integrity, bravery and trust to know someone is angry with you and still be honest about how you feel. Something many of us never experience.
Then there are the bad people with good intentions, and we know what the road to hell was paved with. Don’t tell me what I want to hear because it is safe for you. Of course the same goes for the rotten apple. Telling me whatI want to hear because you are a coward afraid to face the truth in yourself so always keeping people exactly where you want them.
Truth gets murky in all of these because no one is all good or all bad. We are all multi faceted people with our own agendas. It’s about number 1 is right. We are no good to anyone broken apart in pieces through so much giving so we do need to keep a part of ourselves focusing on tomorrow and growing our mental health and stability. So we can give to others but we have to be cautious because there are so many takers out there. Taking pieces of our sanity and because a taker is only interested In themselves they will literally see the light fading from your eyes and keep taking till it goes out because you are just a thing to them: Disposable. The only true way to handle the takers is to recognize them and shut them down. They take from you because they lack the self confidence to know they can provide for themselves because they are afraid of owning who they are and see in you something awesome. That precious jewel inside you just like liberty needs to be defended. You are precious. Don’t ever be afraid to give but recognize when there is no reciprocal experience and end it asap. Protect your soul from those that would extinguish it. You are loved and valued.

Desolation A love story

Reaching up from under the stillness of the foggy water
Trying so hard to get to the light though I dwell so low in the darkness
Happiness is knowing you are there, mine
Sadness is knowing the that no matter what you have no time
I can see the light from the foggy expanse
Trapped under the water, I give nothing but a silent glance
Trying, reaching
Crying, beseeching
Desolation the water drums into my ears
Nothing but the drumming of my heartbeat, the silence of empty years
So much to offer have I
Trying, reaching lifting myself towards the sky
I want nothing but the breath of the wind against my face
Silky, smooth, washing across me like fine lace
Trapped beneath the blackness, so much left unsaid
Hearing the silence, tasting defeat being left for dead
All in a week
Ever feel alone in a room full of friends
Can’t wait to escape, till that party ends
Alone in my mind, heart and soul
Cradled in your arms, feeling that love is my goal

Birthday

a quick tale

It was my birthday this week. I guess as we age we all get different meaning from celebrating (or not) the day we were born. This year I looked around at my life and took stock. I have a beautiful daughter that survived a major surgery, 2 sons that I am so proud of and another volleyball champ daughter. I have my house, my house, the culmination of scrimping, saving and the luck of my Irish wife. 18 years we have been together and we have had the usual struggles most marriages do but they are far overshadowed by the amazing times we have spent together. I feel older, a little less round than last year but definitely a step slower yet I feel alive. I feel a joy I could not have imagined in my younger days because of the fullness my life has with my beautiful/ handsome and oh so smart kids, my house, the dogs and the love I pray and try to make myself worthy of everyday. Life is so short and so precious. I hit the jackpot and although I may be looking a little more Elmer Fuddish than Thor, I wake up each day happy with the choices I have made both good and bad because it landed me here. Happy, in love, lucky and another year wiser.

Love is

Love is magic, love is fun
Love is holding your special someone
Laying on a blanket under the glorious Autumn leaves
Never wanting that moment to end,
making it last forever in our mind
Love is having your someone want to hold your hand too
Love means sometimes just looking over and realizing how lucky are you
Love aids in healing, sometimes from an argument or fight
Love doesn’t equal hurt or pain every day or every night
Love is patient, love so kind,
Loving is active
Never trying to catch up or being blind
Honesty and love are a perfect team
Love means you, my perfect dream

Ireland countryside

Driving through the windy roads in an autumn oh so bright
I am reminded of the Irish countryside, oh what a site
A million shades of green those fields do show
Like a million colors of autumn that we know
Such delicate moments and memories we create in this sweet times
Finding the beauty in things, in such busy times we need to hold the line
So easy to get lost in all the hassle and bustle of our day to day
Have to make time for things that are important. What else can I say?
It’s our choices that lead us to happiness or despair
Our ability to be happy at least for those of us that care
The greens showed along the drive Limerick to Dublin such beauty abounds
Remember to occasionally roll down your windows when your driving and enjoy the sounds
Grounded in beauty, artistry and. Myriad of green
Things are what we make them, we forget this a lot it seems...

Drive you part 3. The conclusion

Brianna makes her way to the hospital, hoping against hope that her dad will be awake when she gets there.

John looks at his little girl. I am sorry Brie but I can’t leave at, we are here. Where or maybe what is here? I don’t know where we are, all I know is you want to speak with me. John looks puzzled, how do you know that? Simply because I am here, this is what you want so here I am?

John is really struggling. After a few minutes of circling in the glade, John looks at Brianna, alight with an amazing glow and says to her. Since you are here I will start with a small apology. I am assuming that something bad happened in this “accident” which is why my head is in a fog and you look like an angel with a big scar on your face. I don’t remember the accident, what I do remember is that every chance I had where I could have focused on you, mom our family I chose to focus on improving myself. I am not sorry about that because it has led us to this bigger house and better life. What I am sorry for is that life is so short. I remember you fitting in the crook of my elbow to my hand. To me it feels like yesterday yet to you in feels like forever. I forgot I need to cherish this journey. I forgot you weren’t going to be this little delicate baby forever. That as you grow you will have your own dreams and I am teaching you that those are more important than you. Tears are streaming down his cheeks as he feels an acrid burning in his throat like fire.
The Uber drops Brianna outside the main entrance to the hospital and she takes the too familiar journey to the third floor west wing. Both excited and afraid she prays quietly to herself that her dad will be awake. Brianna dear, Mary-Ann smile at her. Mary-Ann has seen this young lady so many times over the years although usually on 1st shift as Mary-Ann recently has had to change due to issues with her own family. Brianna dear it’s very late, or very early for a visit she chuckles. I know and it’s good to see you as Mary-Ann’s arms wrap around her for a hug. Is it ok if I sit with him? Beeping starts to be heard on a console behind The Nurses station. As Mary-Ann starts to turn and respond to the beeping she says you know where he is but sit quietly my dear as I am not really supposed to allow you to be here. Brianna starts to head to the room her dad has been stationed in for the last 6 years a too familiar journey of sadness the young woman has had to endure.
Mary-Ann resolves to call Brianna’s mom after allowing Brie at least a little time to see and sit with ...It takes a moment to register but it’s her dads alarms going off apparently he is crashing. She quickly orders the code through her radio starting the process of gathering the right series of people and actions that will transpire. Brianna hun, Mary-Ann speaks loudly as Brianna is turning the corner to the room and the young lady screams...
Brie, I want you to know how important you are to me, John states as he starts to feel discouraged by the pain in his arms, legs and body. You, your sister and mom are why I have spent so little time with you so I can earn degrees, John coughs the pain in his throat a steady fire as if a volcano has erupted in his stomach. I have missed so much time, so hard to get to all the responsibilities with equal attention, the singular cough has now started to increase almost a torrent coming. I know I have made lots of promises, he pauses briefly as the smile on her face is gleaming at him and he feels a wreck, and I have come through on most of them and suddenly John falls. Enveloped by the lush green moss he feels the soft earth pulling him in, his body suffers overwhelming pains and he thinks he must be dying.
A flourish of activity seems to be happening around her but all Brianna can focus on is the flat lines on the machines that monitor her dads vital signs. She cries, no sobs loudly as she stares curled up half under the sink trying to stay clear of all the people and equipment in the small space. John looks up and sees the radiance coming from his daughter as he struggles to free his head from the moss just long enough to tell his beautiful first born daughter that he loves her as suddenly his chest feels a fire like nothing he has ever known before tearing into him. Back in the hospital room a doctor yells charge planning to administer another shock to wake heart from its sleeping state. Brianna hears clear and blips on the machine start to appear, Johns rusty eyes start to open nurses and the doctor start removing tubes from Johns throat as he is apparently breathing on his own. Poked, prodded and generally annoyed John falls back asleep praying to continue his talk with Brianna, starting to become nervous of what has transpired and the reality he is waking to when he feels something cool take his hand. Focus still rusty from nearly 7 years of not being used there is a bright din around a pretty face that seems vaguely familiar but he just can’t place. He stares at the girl trying to steel his rusty voice as he gurgles out who are you? Although a hint of sadness he detected in the brief glint of her smile she starts to rise tears of joy and unabashed happiness as she throws her arms out and states, I love you dad! This is my daughter John thinks to himself? So different from the vision he had what feels like moments before, Dad your awake and alive Brianna cries into his shoulder, still a little confused John smiles while thinking he will need to catch up on things as he wraps his arms around her in a hug, half asking, half stating Brianna?

Authors note: there is a lot of ways this could have gone, I hope you like the direction and conclusion of this story. Thank you for reading!

Thanks for reading the 3 posts. Hope you like it as it’s a bit of a departure from my usual short stories. Subscribe to the blog, leave a note if you have comments. I love feedback and have thick skin  so honest feedback is always welcome.

Drive you part 2

He falls to the ground with a thud, passing right through his little girl. Dad, I am here but not here. I would love to hug you but not today I am afraid. What happened, to you, to me...is this even real? Real not real, I wish I knew she chimed. What happened to me? You don’t remember the accident she seems puzzled as she drifts slowly, oh so slowly moving about the emerald glade. Accident, John mutters to himself, his brow furrows and the creases of years of hard work show in the lines scrunched together and then the light dawns. Oh, then the light really dawns, oh my God, Brianna. You, are you? Am I...dead? Let’s leave that for a simple we are here with each other talking & enjoying the moment.

John stares incredulous, he’d ask if she was being coy were it not for her limited 9 years. Enjoying the moment, he asks so puzzled. Where are we then Brie? Obviously we aren’t in the woods of my childhood, so much fog? Is this a gateway to heaven? It must be if you are here. She starts to shush as the words slur his questions coming so fast. He reaches for her hand, while he can’t touch his heart still warms at the thought of his little girls memories in his heart. 

Do you remember the time we climbed Mount Monadnock, dad? Yes, how could I forget. Your mother was so angry. How was I supposed to know that half way up I would have a heart attack? Do you remember coming home from the hospital that night? Do you remember me waiting there? Trembling, crying and so excited. I know Grammie said you were fine but that wasn’t real until I saw you walking in the door. Yes, Brie. This is what you want to discuss? Yes dad. You see, I am still waiting. What do you mean sweetie? That was almost 7 years ago. 

Lying in bed, warm and snuggly with her favorite stuffie Brianna dreams of her dad. Dreaming of my dad? She absentmindedly thought. I haven’t dreamed of dad in so long. She feels him hug her and then see him falling. It looks like dad is speaking to someone. Oh my God is dad crying she thinks as she sees tears slowly leaving his eyes. Who is he talking to? She tries to get a look at the pretty girl but can’t seem to focus. She wakes suddenly, startled awake and leaps from her bed. Mom she screamed, mom. Angrily yelling back her mothers boyfriend tells her to stop screaming. Mom she screams again even louder, prompted, no challenged by this lazy man. Mom she says again as she shakes her mother’s shoulders, mom. Brie, what’s the matter? Her mom starts to shift in her bed looking over towards the clock, Brie it’s 2:30 in the morning while the red lights of the clock flash 2:33 AM. I need you to take me to the hospital now Brianna yells nearly hysterical. Why hun, what’s the matter? Are you hurt? No mom, it’s dad! Dads going to wake up or maybe already is awake? 

Puzzled her mother adopts that look when Brie knows she has already made up her mind. Charlie chimes in and says we aren’t going to the hospital for that right now. Shut up Brie yells, you don’t get a say. Charlie starts to retort but a wave of his girlfriends hand tells him to keep it to himself. Why do you think that? Did the hospital call? No, I saw him mom. I know how crazy that sounds but I did. Where did you see him, Brie? I, well I had a dream and. A dream mom blurts? Clearly annoyed at having been woken for this. I know you miss your dad. I miss him also honey but he is probably never going to wake up. So enjoy the dreams. I am happy you are thinking of him but it’s time to get back to sleep. Brie knows the look she is receiving and decides to leave the room. Love you mom she says as she goes, and as her mom says she loves her Brie decides she is going to go and quietly goes back to her room and gets changed, ordering an Uber with her other hand on her phone. 7 minutes out , black Toyota. 

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Don’t let the things that drive you become your enemy

Playing a soundtrack and singing along with his two beautiful girls driving home from one of their volleyball games he can’t help thinking about work. As his thoughts drift through the mundane tasks required of him he knows it’s for a greater purpose as he is in school getting his masters in plastics engineering. Bobbing his head to the music, his mind a million miles away he never even saw the deer coming as it leapt from the side of the road right in his path.

The fog won’t lift he thinks to himself. I really feel awful he thinks to himself as he wanders through the trees. He doesn’t notice, either due to the concussion or the sheer volume of drugs in his system, that he wanders only in his mind. Thoughts seem to drift and he realizes for a moment he doesn’t know where he is. That temporary anxiety leaps into his chest until he starts to recognize the path that he and Mr. Tolland used to walk when he was a kid. Mr. Tolland used his dog walks as a way to smoke his pipe away from the Mrs’ while I thought they were great fun getting to run around in the woods frolicking with Shalimar the very stocky St. Bernard. 

The walks he remembers must have been a long time ago although in some ways it feels like they just happened yesterday. He realizes as he stumbles over a root sticking just above the dirt that he is alone here in the woods. Then the realization hits that these woods don’t exist anymore. Torn down to make way for more houses on the direct path to Boston. Where am I really he thinks momentarily as a light glistens to his left. Surprised and a little scared (although a man would never admit to such things) he considers whether to look into this or turn and head the other way. He turns his head and that’s when he realizes he is no longer on the path and frankly is lost out here in the woods of his childhood. I couldn’t be lost in these woods I have built treehouses, forts, examined all manner of insect and nearly died here. I know my way around, why don’t I know that. Rationalizing he determines the fog is why and again is drawn to the light. 

As the light grows in increasing brilliance fear creeps into his chest. Suddenly in this emerald clearing an angel appears. Shielding his eyes due to the change he chokes out in barely a whisper, “why...why are you here?” To speak with you John of course, maybe I should call you dad as I can feel your fear and anxiety. How do you know my, he starts to blurt what do you mean dad as his eyes adjust to the light emanating from her. He sees the beautiful eyes and smile, his eyes suddenly leap to the scar. What happened to you princess he tears up as he leaps forward to hold her. 

Want more? Let me know

Happy to be

Look at me while I cluck around

Nothing but a happy chickadee 

Can’t you tell by my sounds

I strut here and there

Cause ya I do own the place

Nothing but time here for me

Time I chose not to waste 

Cause life is short and I know I should savor

Going to the ice cream place choosing all of the flavors

I am happy both on the surface and way down in the deep

Happy to experience life for at least one more week

Sated because, ... things are grand

Come on you know I rock, now give me a hand

Silly, yeah maybe but a smile you seek

I struggle sometimes trying not to show my inner 🤓 geek

Limitless End

Silently and oh so slow
The blood from my heart does flow
Torn asunder by wicked means
Never as dark as in the end it seems
I see the flickering of bright lights in my eyes
Feeling the warmth drain from the liquid slowly closing in oh the lies,
One of deceit, so fair yet so ugly inside I now know
Wish I knew earlier, so intact I could go
The sweetest smelling rose has the deepest thorn
My faith & trust in you finally worn
Deep inside you must suffer like no one can imagine
That is how you can hurt me I couldn’t even fathom
Your hatred of yourself has I new rival in me
I will hate you forever, or a long time we shall see
Warning signs a plenty, my miserable ex
Leave me alone, time to go make someone else a wreck.

In time

Alas the band has played and it’s time to go home
Alone, alone and all alone
Meaning relationships seems so far and wide
Hiding from the world to protect my inside
If no one gets to know who I am way down deep
No one will ever get close enough to make me weep
Yet I feel so singled out, just me, I’m the only one
Waiting for love to come my way, waiting for the return of the prodigal son
So alone I am, and alone I will be
Till I decide to change who I want to see
When I look into the mirror to gaze upon my soul
Two eyes so lonely they are, faintly lingering of hope
That change is in there, yup, I can see it now
The one remaining question is how

Thinking of yesterday’s past

My Grandfather passed about 10 years ago. Last night I had a dream of him and I working to find something in my Aunt’s old bedroom. As my alarm pulled me from sleep, I got to thinking that I should have hugged him or something as I miss him so. This is relatable in that we all have someone whether through breakup, moving or passing that we miss. From my perspective I wish I had then sense to tell him I loved him or gave him a hug. As is often the case we don’t get to say goodbye in a meaningful way or in a way we want. Sometimes it’s because we don’t have the opportunity as in breaking up or a sudden passing because of the shock of the event. Sometimes it’s just because the pain of that loss is so great that even when we have said goodbye it never feels like enough because we want them back so much.
There is no easy way to get through this. They say that time heals all wounds but that’s not true. Time doesn’t heal it just provides distance. Sometimes, if we are lucky, with that distance comes perspective. Often though time just creates a void of that presence we can choose to ignore or act on. It’s why some of us go to the gravesite while others can’t. Acknowledging the loss and remembering the good is the only way to truly heal. Focusing on the pain leaves us in limbo from which we never heal. You should have a gap in your soul. Anyone worth knowing that had an impact on your life should create this when they are gone. Filling that gap with great memories of time well spent together is always better than being in that space of loss.
Just my thought.

Quiet Morn

silently I stare
Breathing deeply of the fresh morning air
Gently the light starts to break the dark sky
Lifting me from dreams to the place where I try
Try to work hard to provide
Try to come out sane on this wild ride
Each moment like this as I sit quietly sipping coffee in the dark
Contemplating moments, chances to knock it out of the park
Commitment of a future looking to be promoted
Taking my artistic side, sorry to busy you get demoted
Priorities are an interesting thing
We make time for whatever is important
Leaving everything else in a dusty ring
Each day endeavoring better than before
Yet somehow wind up in the same place...what a chore
The dreams are nothing without goals in tow
What those goals are? I don’t know?
Kids, pets, work and wife
All vying for attention oh what a life
Trying to fit my passions in doesn’t usually have time to allow
Yet I love this life and as the sun crests I must take a bow
For its off to work I must go
A great day I decided I will have (just so you know)

Questions

Hi Everyone,
I am very excited about the amount of folks that have read the poems. I would still love some feedback. I also wanted to ask if anyone wanted to be a guest writer, or have your photos posted. I am also curious if you have something you would like me to write about. I know many of my writings are about pain but I have published love poetry and patriotic poems as well as articles of various nature. Excited to collaborate!
RJ

Finding a companion

I used to think it was about this lonely house
Or maybe this empty room
What made me decide it’s not
Well, because I’ve found it’s my lonely heart
Am I set adrift
Like a fallen piece of wood
Floating down a over through the wood
Knowing I will never reach the shore
My heart, no my hopes, like Seaweed always reaching for the sun and the surface
When deep down I know I can never reach
Floating alone in the water
Compassion nor companionship never to be found
Perhaps I should dream myself a fisherman
Always casting the line
Hoping to get the next big catch
Or dinner, nourishing the body
Finding that nourishment for my soul
Hoping I don’t reel in an old boot

Dreaming

Perspective is a beautiful thing but can be oh so bad and sometimes both depending on your point of view
While funny it’s also true
But so many things become different as time passes through
Changing that perspective sometimes making it seem new
We look back with fondness and often without the pain when we look at the past
It’s true that time dissipates the hurt, it doesn’t hurt as much that intensity can’t last
Perspective ties into our dreams as we look forward at what’s to do
Those most at peace with themselves know there is only so much we can get through
Those most affected also think of something better
Constantly finding disappointments living as a regret-er
Others don’t dream at all, truly I can’t relate.
No concept of what that must be like, nothing but fate?
Dreams are healthy for us. Give us a path to trend towards
Makes us at peace with the current work, knowing we are driving forward
Can the dreams we have really come true
Of course they do, they usually just take lots of work
That’s what drives our appreciation due to the sweat, tears and dirt
Perspective helps us with understanding events both current and from long ago
Change the view sometimes for the better sometimes...well it’s best to let go
Fear, anger, hurt and pain
All left behind us, changes our memories and keeps us sane
The dreams come into play about if and how we want to change the road ahead
Whether we daydream at work, or at home in our bed
The dream I have is a belief that things will always get better
Spending my life with you, there’s no doubt it will
Always be getting
Better

Wings

Lifted by wings the angels did fly

Carrying them away, the final goodbye 

How I miss them both gone too soon

I stood there crying feeling like a goon

My thoughts drift back when I see a cardinal pass my way

Or beautiful butterflies flapping around mid day

The beauty in the little things comes from experiencing the bad

Muddling through it as best giving it the best I had

Dreaming through colors my mind drifts into the beyond

Drifting away removed from the pain but for only so long

Pray yes pray for my soul to make it through the day with the longing and loss

My performance suffers, what do I say to the boss?

Truth be told it’s hard sometimes now, it’s seems so long ago

But I get through, how even I don’t know

We get through things with time, they say it heals all wounds

But that’s really not right is it? Do they think us buffoons?

What heals us can happen by understanding and acceptance of a loss

But sometimes things don’t heal they just get covered over with gloss

Handling that pain isn’t easy anyone that’s had too they know

We do a great job of hiding it not letting it show

But that’s not healing, nope not even close

I once had a family friend tell me that they saw them as ghosts

No one is gone if we remember there kindness, love and good deeds

While this can be comforting it doesn’t quite fill our needs

But what can? Hmmm, a great question that’s true

...I wish I knew

Reluctance

the gestures we make to express our love never seem like enough when we aren’t equals. Being an equal in love is sharing the joy and laughter as well as the pain. If the hurt is all one sided it’s not love anymore just an act. An act of reluctance on our part to admit what we don’t want to see. That the one we love doesn’t feel the same. Love is whole, it’s abundant and active, why would you want someone that doesn’t make you feel that... cherished feeling. Can you know love? Do you deserve love. The answer to both is absolutely. We have a capacity to turn a blind eye for comfort but we need to shake it up! Be active in that choice of whom to bestow your time. The warmth of a touch that permeates the whole body. The look you give each other when you both have that inside joke, the smile you have that people see you are in a great space just because they are on your mind. Love is total, the feelings from inside are felt by each of you. The way that one can make your heart hurt in their absence just as leaping for joy after a long day. Don’t stay, if it’s not total go find that joy. Go find the happiness you deserve. You are worth it!

wistful

Do you have any idea what it feels like to ask if you even care and you don’t respond?
There’s a hurt there, deep in my heart, knowing I no longer belong.
It happens when one is blind because the other won’t let you see
Lifting them up, making them feel better, than they could be
Life is a collection of moments, so it’s really about the react
Can we maintain being a gentleman or just yell or is there a different tract?
Blessed is the one that can rise above
Forgetting the anger and remembering the love
We are passionate beings of that there is no doubt
Turning the other check is hard, but it’s best not to shout
In anger we often say things meant as momentary but ohhh how the last
Getting through life is a challenge, so much happier without the past
Able to carry on, if we remember to let go
Besides here’s a new love to get to know

life

Curled, wrapped in green, promise, hope and dream
Gentle the dew clings to the green
Leaving a brilliant light, a silver sheen
As the green starts to be pushed aside
The beautiful flower starts to reach out
Seeking the sun outside
In this new world so full of life wind and trees shaking and flowing in the afternoon breeze. The purple petals soaking in the sun
Life it is begun.

A Thought on Love

Most will look at this picture and say I did a horrible job. Yup, I agree. It’s the content that mattered. Love means something different to everyone. This picture told my love that I was thinking of her even though I was on a different continent and this goofy little vacuum repair store reminded me of a great time we had together. No matter what love means it is about the moments we create with each other that really matter. In the end no treasure will ever be as valuable as the memories we share with each other.

wishing

Out there somewhere is the dream waiting to be

Each moment without it leaves me flounder underneath the white clouded sea

The rush of the wind makes my dream seem ever elusive

No matter how hardI try the situation is never conducive

Each moment in nature makes my soul feel calmed

Like rubbing aloe on a sunburn

Or a drink with my friend Sean

Passion and longing my companions on this bright sunshine day

My desire to have that dream outweighed by my willingness to stay

Is it possible to feel stuck when you are standing on the top of the world?

Watching the hawks ride the wind, the trees by the breeze do stir

Peace is not the company of the insecure

Calmness, stability disappear in a blur 

Waiting so open for the dream to come

Waited to long, sun disappearing it’s time to be done

Walking back down the path over packed earth and stone

In the shade the wind chills me right to my bone

I desire what’s elusive some that’s all we ever do

That choice can be made differently at any point it’s up to you

Stay in one place hoping for something to change

When no evidence can be found, to the contrary, it will all stay the same

Finding a dream, finding the will it’s the opportunity that’s desired and sought 

Fighting myself and the obvious, my soul won’t be bought

I want this to end but have nowhere good to go

Wanted so much more than can be delivered please say it ain’t so.

Rays of sunshine

Stopping and smelling the roses is important it’s said.

Need to recognize the goodness in life not what till I am dead

The warmth of the suns rays beaming through the brush

Clearing my mind of those Monday blues, what a rush.

Moments in life are truly what we make them

When they aren’t there sometimes we have to make them. 

Others can fill our life with happiness and joy

It’s up to us where we take it, decide what we enjoy.

My thoughts drifting through my mind like the golden rays through the bush

Trying to kickstart my Monday just a little push

Locked in this moment is promise you’ll see

Whatever happens I am a happier me.

Reaching the end

Reaching down on hands of time
Crossing hidden battle lines
Souls been sold to laziness and despair
Do the mind and heart really care?
The feel of falling in limbo into the grave so deep
Thoughts random and scattered, just can’t reach sleep
Dreams won’t help, So scared inside
When can I get off, be done with this ride?
Grave dug so deep
Can escape be within my reach?
I try reaching up
Past drags me down
Holding me quietly, with that knowing frown
The torment I bring myself, not releasing the fear, hurt and pain
Surrounded by insecurity, jokingly feeling insane
I set the traps
So there’s no way I can win
How can I escape, where does it need to begin
The belief in myself
I can conquer my hurt, pain & shame
My mind tells my heart
But without the belief it’s not the same
Can I reach? My fingers feel the soft earth reaching
Wanting that feeling of starting anew
Can I do this? Would you?